I learned at the beginning of the week that the position I applied for won’t be filled internally. I have mixed feelings about this, and a fair amount of sour grapes. Mostly the uncertainty of it all feeds into an ennui that’s been brewing for quite some time. A collection of little frustrations leave me itchy for change. I guess that’s not unusual, but today it isn’t balanced with enough optimism for the future.
It’s certainly not just work feeding the malasie. I find myself feeling like I don’t belong to the people I see enjoying life in the city, for I cannot empathize with their pleasure. I read or listen to stories of others overcoming great adversity or excelling in their pursuits, and I struggle to identify with their progress.
The old E. B. White quote, “I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world,” used to really resonate but now feels distant. I arise in the morning resigned to fulfil my duties for another day.
Learning of Americans such as Hazel Scott, Eugene V. Debs, and Bayard Rustin always leaves me feeling the culture war is not new, America will persevere but also this society is rotten to the core and will never live up to the greatness it pretends to.